Happy 3rd Birthday!

I know that every parents loves celebrating their child's birthday. That's your baby right there. And you stop and wonder where time went and even times desperately trying to remember when they were just born and would be content just sleeping on your chest.

For me, this day is really special for me.  I talk about it now and then. And some of you may be tired of it, but there may be that one person out there that needs to know what God did for me. I find that as Sarah's birthday approached, I find the strength to look back at some pictures of her in the NICU.  I've heard people tell me that I have a great memory and can do weird tricks like "oh yeah, cuz two years ago we went to (list a place) and (name a person) ate a (name a food) and then we ended up sitting in traffic on the way home and --" (you get the point right?). Well it is also a curse as well. I do still remember the contractions that came quickly and suddenly and close together. I remember feeling practically no breaks between contractions. I remember saying stuff like "I can't do this!" And I remember the having no one else but God to turn to when she was in the NICU and those moments when I had to leave her. I remember when her heart rate would slow down and her breathing and had what is called bradycardia. I remember the NICU nurses showing me not to be scared of it and how to help stimulate her back. But I remember thinking "what do you mean she's forgetting to breathe on her own?" Scary thing to hear as a mom. I remember seeing these things...gadgets...in case she had an apnea episode or if her stats went too low. I admit that I also asked God why was he taking me through this? Hadn't I gone through enough with not being able to get pregnant and through infertility?  And even as I write it now, I have tears in my eyes. I remember the ache I had in my heart. But I also remember worshiping God in the midst of the storm that I had no control over.  But I remember on rides home from the hospital, especially at night, I would hear the song "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me.  And it was perfect for the season.

Yes, it was "only" 10 days in the NICU. But we didn't know if it would be 10 or 20. It was day to day. We wouldn't know for sure if she was coming home until the morning of. And even then, we had to be pretty cautious because she had reflux and had to be very careful with how much we fed her. It wasn't just "oh feed her as much as she wants." I actually ran into notes I took of her feeding the other day in my garage. I also couldn't directly breastfeed her for about a month. We tried and would always practice, but it didn't click in til what would have been her 39th week in my womb. It just clicked! And there were also a couple doctors who said she would be a little behind with development but she would eventually catch up in a few years or maybe even 5.

Well, here's my feisty little girl today. When she was 2 1/2 she could sing her ABCs, count to 12 and sometimes to 15, count to 10 in Spanish, and knows what a Pygmy Marmoset is (that's another story in itself). She's sang "Jesus Loves Me" out loud in the middle of Costco.  And she can do a rear-naked choke and a pretty good arm bar now.  She knows all these different songs that I don't even know she knows. She still does her "baby" sign language. And she is also very bossy and strong-willed! But she loves church. She loves God. She reminds us to pray and prays for other people on her own when they are hurt. I don't think she's "behind" at all. I've also learned not to compare her to others. I want God's will for her life to unfold and not for me to try to "form" it.

So, Sarah bear, if you ever find yourself reading this blog that I probably created for you more than myself, I hope you can look back and see that God does have a plan for you. You have been surrounded by prayer even before you were conceived and you still are. You have been in God's hands since day 1. Sometimes if it seems like I'm not afraid for you to be independent or to try things on your own, it's because I've already learned that I can't always be there for you. I know people like to say that they will. But I'll be honest, I'm still human and even though I want to be, I can't always be there for you. I will disappoint you on this earth. But God won't. And if you trust him, believe in him and walk with him, I know you can do anything and you won't need me. And I'm okay with you not needing me as long as you know that you will always need Him.